Dear family and friends!
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
(Zephaniah 3:17) These are words of strength and beauty!
It’s been about a month since I last wrote an update. I have been taking occasional breaks from breast cancer and chemo. J J J J There are still reminders in my mirror, calendar, and energy level. My experience continues, but the finish line is in sight, maybe by the start of 2009. I will always have to be diligent, but I am ready for a break. Ahhhhh!
My CHEMO SIDE EFFECTS are less and less noticeable. My last session was July 22. I didn’t feel like celebrating until I had endured the last set of side effects. Then it was official! I felt almost teary-eyed at my final checkup August 19. I enthusiastically waved goodbye and told the staff I’d like to meet in social circumstances sometime in the future. As I walked out, I tried to click my heels together mid-air, but decided not to break my ankle. Instead, I leaned over the 6th-floor railing and yelled: “I’M DONE WITH CHEMO!” to whoever might have been on the terrace below. I’m sure they’ve heard it before. The oncologist told me it might be another month before the chemo and steroids leave my system, so I still have some symptoms—but this too shall pass!
THE HAIR REPORT: For now, the most noticeable side effect is still my hair. After chemo ended, my scalp started to resemble a baby bird. It feels like silk, but it looks like peach fuzz. If you pay me enough money, I will show you. I am thankful for the new wig I found that is cool, comfortable, and was available for a great price! I googled the peach-fuzz process and learned that I may have this stuff for a month and that “real hair” could come in the second month. I don’t know if the fuzz falls out or changes texture - or if they’re just trying to placate me. Now, I have growing white fuzz on the sides of my head and brown/black thicker hair in the middle of my scalp. I may have something worth calling “hair” by November, but it will be very, very short and maybe kinky-curly. I try not to look at it too many times a day - that does not help it grow any faster! Hair on my arms had thinned, but now all of it is growing, even the part that didn’t fall out. (Stop!) And my eyebrows, which had thinned, are also coming back. That is welcomed, except that some are showing up almost an inch lower than they should. My confused body is trying to repair itself. It will be fine—but I may want to wear long sleeves on my arms and a paper bag on my head. … I am a bit self-conscious. I was at a family event recently where my great-nieces asked me to come into the pool, but they didn’t know about my “hair.” I didn’t want to yank off the wig and shock them, so explained and then went inside and put on a swim cap. I remembered a story of a mom with cancer. She was sobbing out loud after she shaved her head. Her 4-year-old heard her cry and saw her new hairdo. He started to cry, too. He kept saying, “I’m sorry, Mommy!” She asked, “What did you do?” She thought he must have hurt his new puppy or baby sister. He said, “I don’t know, but it must have been bad. It made you tear all your hair out!”
ANOTHER MASTECTOMY – I chose to have another mastectomy on the “healthy” right breast, tentatively scheduled for September 12. Jack asked me: “Are you happy you will have another mastectomy?” I don’t think “happy” and “mastectomy” go in the same sentence, but I am relieved the decision is made, and I will be relieved to have less breast tissue that could hide future carcinoma! I confirmed it with another mammogram and consultation with the same radiologist I had in April. He still feels strongly that my breast tissue is a poor environment. I agree. I have done lots of reading and study and praying and have talked with other women who have made this choice. I generally do not want unnecessary surgeries, but I don’t think this is unnecessary. I have microcalcifications scattered throughout my breast. Microcalcifications are not cancerous unless they are atypical (odd-shaped, multiplying fast). Mine are not that, but any microcalcifications can mimic carcinoma, and they can hide it. Some of mine are beginning to cluster, which can be an early indicator of cancer. Maybe I could say they are pre-pre-cancerous. At this point, I don’t trust my breast tissue or detection methods. I looked at all my mammograms since 2004, and I can see developing microcalcifications in my left breast, the one that eventually had cancer. I can also see that mammograms and ultrasounds and physical checks completely missed the biggest tumor I had in my left breast in March, 2008. For detection in the right breast, I would need an annual MRI, and the MRI would need to be followed up with an annual needle biopsy, and there is no way that they could biopsy the whole breast! … I tried unsuccessfully to set the date a little sooner in order to be adequately recovered before Haiti guests stay in our home October 9 – and before we go with 60 people from 17 countries to a camp in northern Arizona October 12-23 – but I will just have to be ready. It should be easier than the first surgery. We are informed, and there are several things we know to avoid. I’m glad Jack is so well-versed and caring – and willing. (Pray for him. It’s easier to be me.) I have been touched by people’s response. A couple of you cried when I told you of the decision. Thank you for your compassion. Yes, there will be grief, loss, and pain—but it is the right thing. And, no, I should not need chemo this time. There is a small possibility, and I do appreciate prayer. Though there is no cancer confirmed in the mammogram, the surgeons will do a sentinel node biopsy during the mastectomy. They inject a radioactive isotope and blue dye the day before surgery and follow it with a Geiger counter during surgery to see which lymph node goes from the breast to the lymphatic system. They then take only that node and its neighbor and have the histology lab check it for any evidence of cancer while the surgery is still happening.
REGRETS? Some people ask me if I wish I had just done the prophylactic (preventative) mastectomy originally – if I should have just done both at the same time, though only one had cancer. Of course, I wish it were over, but there were unusual circumstances. I had less than 24 hours to decide since the plastic surgeon was going to Italy for three weeks. The general surgeon thought surgical complications could have slowed up chemo, and that was not a good idea. While I wish I had had more time to really consider it, I didn’t, and that is fine. I chose to treat the cancer I knew I had. I choose now to see that as God’s protection. I did get an infection in one drain, and two infections could have delayed chemo. There were several times I was very glad that I could sleep on one side, move firmly in one direction, push up from the floor with one arm, and so forth. I do want to say something to the team, eventually. The radiologist had to speak to me in “code” both times I saw him. He was not supposed to suggest a mastectomy if there is no sign of cancer or atypical cells. That is not his role. Similarly, surgeons are often careful not to pressure patients into doing something irreversible if it isn’t necessary. I see their different roles, but I want to say something in a final analysis as a patient who wants to be protected from a life-threatening illness. For now, I am letting this go. I don’t need to deal with it, and I need to work well with each member of the team. They have been wonderful instruments and skilled professionals, but I wish I didn’t have to read between the lines.
LOSSES AND GAINS: I will have more grief—more lost tears—for another body part that is somehow part of what it means to be female. I have a loss of innocence! I think, “Last year at this time, I didn’t know I had cancer, but I did …” I have lost some trust in my body to fight, defend, and repair itself. I have lost energy and productivity, but I have gained rest. The losses are minimal, in many ways. … I gained another year last Monday. This time, I didn’t want to celebrate a birthday—I wanted to celebrate LIFE! I have grown in my sense of security. God has held me securely in His arms through this ordeal. He has enveloped me. I have a get-well card at my desk. One drawing shows a contented, smiling lamb in the shepherd’s arms. In the other drawing, the contented lamb and the shepherd are looking each other in the eye, loving each other. I have grown in my love for (and by) family. My immediate family has been so supportive, and it was great to be with extended family last weekend. Thanks to my brother-in-law Joe who said, “Keep writing….it’s like Tuesdays with Karla, but you’re going to live.” My work colleagues have been amazing. I haven’t been very productive, but they continue to encourage me! I took on a few more projects with Staff Conference coming, and I trust it will be good for me and for those who will use what I prepare. Harvest set up a Tesch medical fund to defray expenses. (Write for info, or call Eli at 602-258-1083.) I have gained strength from friends who have stood with me with remarkable encouragement and prayer. I cannot believe what some of you do and say! You are amazing. I am humbled. Thanks for crying with me. Thanks for feeding us. Thanks for thinking of us. Thanks for making me exercise! Thanks for putting up with my chemo-fog! The list goes on and on and on …
I found the Olympics very inspiring—teamwork, determination, focus, hard work, practice, pain, discipline, and practice again. With that in mind, we are …
Going for the goal!
Karla
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